38 weeks and 1 day

I am 80% Effaced http://www.americanpregnancy.org/labornbirth/effacement.html


and I am dilated to 3


So. They kind of freaked since Cyler came with such a rapid labor and we live an hour away from the hospital but with no contractions or any pressure or lower back pain at the moment there was nothing they could do or send me to the hospital for.
So she basically told me if I feel ANY pressure, ANY backpain, if I so much as sneeze basically to go to the L&D.

If I can update via phone I will. Email me@ casmarisal@gmail.com or leave comments here , I can check them via phone since I don't have a laptop.

Wish us luck!!!

37weeks, 6 days

How much harder could it possibly get? You'll never hear me ask those questions.

Back pain was insane today, I couldn't get into the chiropractor today but do have an appointment set up tomorrow.
I swear I thought of going to the hospital. The whole "on a scale of 1 to 10 10 being unbearable" pain I'd rate it an 8. Early back labor, this could last for days and it's best to stay at home as long as possible unless: you have period like bleeding, contractions (in my case) 10 minutes apart for 1 hour, or my water breaks. The earlier you go to the hospital the higher your chances of having a C-Section will be, so they say wait it out at home where you will be more comfortable, as long as possible and that's what I am doing.

You know what my beef is with a C-Section? aside from having my arms tied down of course? having to stay in the hospital for 4 days away from Cyler. As it is I am doing everything in my power to go home 24 hours after baby is born, and as long as he is doing okay, my OB has agreed to that. She did say if he has any problems they will ask me to stay for 48 hours, of course I would, but if god forbid we have to repeat what we did with Cyler I would be released from the hospital and he would stay in NICU. God, that took its toll on me with Cyler and back then we lived down the street from the hospital, now we live an hour away from it. I'm not even thinking of that. But at least I know now; yes, things happen, sometimes babies have to stay in NICU for awhile, at least now if it where to happen it wouldn't be a total shock, I never even thought or mentally prepared myself for that possibility the first time around. I think that's what hurt me most. It was so new, and it went so wrong. I barely got to hold him that first week. All the tubes and how quiet and how dim the NICU was.

Other than that, I am on fire hot. I swear I think my forehead is about to start pouring sweat and I feel like fire hot heat is just radiating out of the pores of my body, its gross, I also feel swollen and tight like a little fat sausage, which is the grossest feeling, my hands keep going numb, I am pass out in my soup tired, and I still need to do things, like clean the bathrooms and my room needs to be moved around. As it is right now its like a bed room with a swing thrown here and a co-sleeper thrown there, exercise machine here, books piled ceiling high because I still don't have the friggin bookcase, car seat here, plastic bins of blankets there.
God I should just do this shit myself, whats the worse that can happen? my water break? ooh, I am shaking in my boots...

playing catch up!

Last night I thought I was in labor, I kind of freaked. I was like, shit, changed my mind, "can't do this, can't be in that kind of pain again" freaked. I'm probably dilating more! eeks! It's happening folks, its starting, I give it few days but honestly who really knows when, right? I've been exhausted, my system keeps clearing itself out, the back labor has begun despite there are no continuous contractions and my entire pelvis feels battered and bruised. There's too much change happening down there, daily. Go figure, days away from having a baby, woman freaks with anxiety. It's just that everything gets so physically intense it's kind of hard to keep it relatively together. All well wishes will be greatly appreciated.

and for those who love TMI updates here you go:
I had an OB check last Wednesday (the 19th) it went fine until she had fingers in my cervix. gah- dies of pain.

I am stationed at -3 (which is the first line up top)


I am 50% Effaced http://www.americanpregnancy.org/labornbirth/effacement.html


and I am dilated to 2


in other news!
I had tacos for dinner and they were grand! Some avocados too! and a cherry coke, which made me very happy despite the back pain. Tomorrow I will try to go to the chiropractor so we'll see what that brings on, the back pain is just making me batty with emotions I cannot explain. If I could manage to scrub the tub upstairs I would be soaking in some Epsom salt, I should just try to do that, I am at that point, let the Epsom soaks begin, god he's coming, I can feel it...

37 weeks

I'm going to try to be a big girl here and not rant and rave about how hard this is, how bad I hurt, or talk about those stabbing pains that strike in my vagina.
No. I will not. I will be brave, I will be strong.

So, believe it or not, I finally packed my hospital bags! Which turned into a small hospital suitcase and a little diaper bag filled with Baby Jake's outfits. Outfits? Well that's the thing, I couldn't decide on just one coming home outfit so I picked three and some beanies and some socks. The weather totally does not help here, yesterday it was 90 degrees at 4:30pm. Yeah, believe me, Arizona got a huge rant from this pregnant beast about that. But you see how it's kind of hard to know what to bring as in coming home outfit. You've got to have options.

Baby Laundry is washed and for the most part put away.

Husband has still NOT gone to Ikea to pick up Dressers or Bookcases so I have to snatch my sons "bookshelf" which is actually a changing table from his room this weekend which I am sure will be the first thing he will resent his parents for when he sees all of his stuffed animals and books on the floor of his room. Way to go! You know and I am not denying the man bust his ass to provide for his family, I see that, I know that, but you have had 37 weeks, say it with me, 37 weeks to do this, to get this done. It's not that hard. These things can be ordered and paid for by phone so all you have to do is go and pick them up but still! And when it does happen, when are they going to built? Throw me a bone, please, it's not like I am about to bare you a son from the peach pit of my womb right? Seriously. Men. And I do realize I am a pregnant hormonal nesting everything must be ready beast right now, I see that, I do but I swear to the baby gods I should have done all these things myself at the beginning. Ladies, you want something done on your timeline? do it yourself before you turned into a beached whale.

*wow, this is becoming another rant, yes? just wait, I am not done, but hey, I haven't brought up my vagina yet so we've still got that going for us*

*breathes*
moving on...

So last time I went to see my OB she did a check and I was not dilated by very very soft and she could feel the buns head. *wait, I am talking about it aren't I?* anyways, tomorrow I go back for my week 37 check. We also have an inducement date (your going to love this) from the day I found out my due date (December 9th) all I said was any day but December 2nd, I refuse to give birth on my Birthday. Well, low and behold, it's the only day my Dr can do it if I even make it to week 39. So unless I want unfamiliar OB with Man hands up in my, business, December 2nd it is.
All I wanted folks, all I wanted... So, now I have gone from saying No baby on Birthday, to Epidural on Birthday or I am taking names and doing some serious ass kicking later if the nurses take their sweet ass time, again.

That's the other thing ladies, if you haven't had a baby before, just know your nurse can make or break your delivery. The person you are appointed to that day is your everything, pray to God you get a great nurse who is kind and considerate and does not have her head up her ass or is bitchy because her 12 hour shift is coming to an end. Seriously. Pray. start now. Bust out your prayer beads and bow your heads, as I am now. While your at it, if you find yourself kind and loving and like praying, please pray I am granted a great OB nurse whenever the water breaks and I find myself, well, you know.

What else? just doing the best I can waiting it out. I am so agitated and sick of being so damn cooped up. I feel like a caged circus animal pacing in a tiny cage that you can barely walk and turn in. My husband treats me like I am on house arrest. God forbid I go anywhere, I might fall and die or something. Little does he know I walked to the mailbox the other day with my camera and did some shooting along the way. He'd crap his pants if he knew. Brother. Treat me like a child and I will defy you, just ask my Mother.

anyhoo, my favorite capture from our walk:
The Winter Effect:



If you are ever in the mood for killing some time go check out my print shop at Etsy:
I've been trying to put some more effort into it but it's kind of hard at this stage. It'd be nice to get more prints up there before baby comes though to have that done and taken care of though so keep your peepers posted if you enjoy my works. :)

Well, I guess I have given you all more than an ear full for the day. Mama needs a nap and a hot shower, or a hot shower and a nap. I hope you all are doing wonderfully and getting ready for Thanksgiving. I'm excited about it. Hopefully I'll be able to do it up and serve a great meal that day. Yum. Food.

Picture post

Cyler was an astronaut for Halloween and had a blast!


Cyler last month


Baby Jake belly at 35 weeks! (I am wearing shorts you just cannot tell)

36 weeks

In my Zach post last week just about all of you asked how I was doing and I didn't respond. I live by a "no one likes a whiner" philosophy and I am at the stage of my pregnancy where nothing feels good. Even sleeping hurts.
but if you really must know...
My back is killing me.
I get cramps in my calves and I cannot reach below the knee to rub them out.
My bowels are furious.
every time I pee it feels like I am dilating.
contractions are not your not friend, whoever may tell you that they are is a big fat liar.
Every time I contract I cannot breathe because the movement my uterus creates squishes my lungs within my little torso.
My belly has new friends that are deeply grooved, thick, reddish purple lines.
I have split ends in my hair for the first time in over 10 years which makes cutting it a very easy thing to do but I'm holding out praying the short hair phase, passes.
and I feel like a giant swollen sausage, eww.

so, that is what I've been up to. I cannot wait until this is all said and done. I plan on starting walking a week after delivery, maybe sooner. My body is thrashed and I need to get it back into shape or my fibro will be a mess. I pray we have a decent thanksgiving, and for some reason November 22nd keeps popping up in my head, lets see why. Maybe, just maybe there will be a Birthday even though I am not due until the 9th of December and they plan on inducing a week early, as of Tuesday we'll be 36 weeks along and he'll be considered fullterm.
We've achieved our biggest goal. Lung Maturity!

So my dearest readers, I am sorry I am not on here much, updating and what not but I'm just in that place, that place where you go into hibernation before it happens. I hardly talk to anyone these days, I'm in the eye of the storm, embracing the quiet before it gets loud.

Much love and best wishes to you all!

Wasting money?

I did something I said I wasn't going to do again...
I bought more maternity clothes with only 5 weeks left as of Tuesday.
Nothing fit anymore.
I've gone from a size S/M in Maternity to a L/XL. Sad sad day.
that may not sound like a big deal to many, trust me, I've heard it, but what I find funny is the people that roll their eyes about it are 5'6" + and I am not even 5'1"
back to buying more clothes, it's getting cold out (at night anyways).
And nothing would cover my belly anymore.
Do you know what that's like? It's akward. It's weird. It's, bare...

I'm having trouble breathing because I am so frickin little and packing so much weight my bodies not used to.
I feel like I am not getting enough oxygen.
I wake up and I feel like I haven't been breathing.
And I am sick of hearing "its perfectly "normal" I want to tell people to go eff off with that shit. I could grow a head out of my ass and they would say, "oh, it's perfectly normal"
I have giant baby in my belly. Feet and legs in ribs, head on bladder. My ribs HURT...
Plus, I've been so so so tired lately.
Barely keep my eyes open tired.
I tried watching a movie last night with J and I passed out.
I could feel contractions, and they didn't feel good.
I could feel something painful going on in the cervix area and it did not feel good.
But I was so tired and in a very rare moment I had managed to find a comfortable position. I just sat there, asleep, feeling everything that was going on, but to exhausted to open my eyes.

now that I think about it, it seems like a waste of money that I had to go and buy more maternity clothes. bleh.

tomorrow I make my Split Pea soup. Yum. if it wasn't for crock pots my family wouldn't eat anymore. I made the best chili & cornbread the other day. Its a godsend being able to just throw things in, turn a switch and walk away coming back to an actually meal 8 hours later.

WARNING: freak out and a birth story ahead

In six weeks I am "supposed to" have a baby.
I say "supposed to" because who knows if he'll come earlier than that but they will not be letting him come later than that.

Six weeks, say it with me. 1 2 3 4 5 6...weeks.

I just put together a list for my hospital bags and it dawned on me "HOLY CRAP" it's all becoming so very, very real.
I think I am having an anxiety attack, or it could just be that there is no breathing room for my lungs with this baby crammed into my short little body.
Where was I?
Oh yes, list for hospital bag. I have had an emergency bag packed with nothing much really just incase something went awry like a gush of fluids coming from my nether regions.

Phrases like "birth plan" make me laugh these days.
Oh did I have one the first time, along with all this stuff I brought.
More phrases that make me laugh this time around, like "Relaxation CD’s
time passers (magazines, a book, cards, baby book?)
hard candies, lollipops, oh and essential oils"
Did I use it all? hell no.

My water broke, it had been a hellish night filled with pain and I was sick. I hadn't slept. But no contractions, just pain.
So any ways, I remember, my water broke, I had just laid down in hopes of sleeping. I got up. walked to my closet, and thinking, "this isn't bad *I smiled* I can do this, this is fine" a minute passed and holy shit I thought I was going to die. The urge to push was there and I still had flights of stairs to go down to get to the car.

We get to the hospital, these frickin people are taking there sweet ass time. Finally I am in a room.
"your no where near being ready, you are only dilated to 4, you have plenty of time" blah blah blah . I had to push, my body as pushing and I had no control over stopping it. "Quit pushing" I'm not, my body is. I had no control.

after tons of "f bombs" and unjustly using Gods name in vain, the nurse looked at my husband because I quit answering her stupid effing questions.
(I honestly couldn't talk) and he said, look, she has back problems.

Nurse: ooh from the pregnancy
Husband: NO! before the pregnancy. She has back problems. physical therapy and chiropractic care here and there throughout the years.
Nurse: OH! call the anesthesiologist for the epideral.
*stupid stupid *
all of this happened within, oh, 15 minutes. The nurse is now rushing to get a bag of fluids into my body, squeezing as hard as she can because without that bag of fluids in me, or anyone, no epidural.
finally, it's in, epidural is in. I finally breathe. The little woman is a goddess in my eyes. My soul beams with love whenever I think of her to this day. She was barely 4ft 10 inches at most. But she was my hero. There was something grand motherly about here even though I could barely understand her accent. She stayed to watch Cyler be born. She was out of the way. She didn't say anything. She was like this angel. (can you tell I love the lady???) and then she was gone, and never saw her again. I don't even know her name.

(I was dead set against an epidural or any drugs in general, and I now know what my physical therapist meant when she told me when she said if you ever get pregnant your going to have a hard time and have a hard labor, those words had completely slipped away from my mind, totally forgotten).

Back to the story: they do another exam because they didn't dare attempt do another before the epidural was in place.

Nurse: wow, she's ready to go.
dilation not only went from 4-10 in a flash but time to rock & roll.
They let me rest for an hour before that happened though.
Doing massages in hopes to prevent an episiotomy. I still needed one but I am glad I had one instead of tore from my little mans giant almost 9lb body.

So there you have it folks. My water broke February 24th 2005 at 5:24 am, I was at the hospital by 6 am and Cyler was born at 8:28.


*where was I again? ooh yeah, packing a hospital bag*

out of commission

Cyler has been fighting something for a bit now.
I thought it was bad allergies, then a nasty cold, now bad allergies?
It got pretty nasty last night but he appears to be doing better as of now.
*shrugs*

As of the 7th I am 31 weeks pregnant and am anemic.
8 weeks left to delievery if we make it that long.
I think J's kinda freaking out silently because it is so close...
Welcome to the club bud. *evil snickers*
I thought my fibromyalgia kicking my ass but maybe its just the anemia?
Hopefully the suppliments will help. I'm walking around like "girlfriend in a coma."
Aside from Fridays OB appointment I'd officially be one of those people who never leave their house.
It's so frustrating not being able to get things done.
I can't even blog. I am seriously forcing myself to write this.
There's so much domestication I want to blog about.
Like why in the bloody hell does this have to be so expensive???
http://www.ergobabycarriers.com/babycarriers/item/BC11G
and recipes. I am working on fall recipes for all of you wonderful blog readers.
I hope you love Pumpkin 'cause tis the season and I just cannot get enough of it...

I hope I'll have more energy withen a few days of suppliments and loads and loads of rest. I have to brave grocery shopping later. Wish me luck.
There will be tons of tea drank before hand. I should be fine.

In other news: Thanks the Gods for crock pots who make making dinner possible.

:)

dirty little secrets...

It's almost one am.
My lower ribs are killing me because they are spreading and spreading ribs, well, hurt. I've been feeling so shitty lately. Tired. Headaches. and bad nausea. Ooh yeah, it's been great fun.
It's all beginning to leave me a bit worried.
I daydream about this little guy being here. I just want to hold him close, smell him, touch his velvety soft head but I am beginning to worry about how well I am going to manage it all with Fibromyalgia.
My OB has warned it me it usually hits with a vengeance after you give birth.
My regular MD who managed my fibro warned its not a good idea to strictly breastfeed if you have bad fibro.
(I was going to pump for the first six weeks but then I decided I'll just go with it as long as I can. I breastfed Cyler without pumping or bottles for 20 months! Then it totally hit me, I need to go back on my meds ASAP after the baby is born which is why I was only going to pump for 6 weeks.
How could I forget that?)
Fibromyalgia has changed my life in ways most cannot imagine.
Somedays I feel like someone has left me in dryer that's ran all night long.
Other days it feels like someone has beat me head to toe with a stick.
And on the really "great" days it feels like someone took a baseball bat straight to my lower back, knees, and arms.
It's left massive black holes in my memory.
I have the hardest time focusing and studying.
I'm leaving a lot out but I'm pretty sure you get the idea if you're taking the time to read this.
Bottom line: It's hard. It sucks. and as a Mother, it can be heartbreaking. I have no idea how I am going to manage the newborn stage.
I guess only time will tell.

now, feeling totally overwhelmed and vulnerable, with my guard down, it happens.
My dirty little secret.
Kate Bush. Running up that hill.
Song gets stuck in my head for I kid you not about a month -straight.
I've been free for about two, maybe three weeks.
BAM!
It's back!
A month I will walk around singing this song being a total effin Kate Bush 80's nerd and in some moments re-enacting the video.
Why?
Because I can. Because I live in the middle of nowhere (Pop 8,000, 1 walmart, no starbucks small town) and apparently that's how I entertain myself.
Welcome to my secret world...
..............................
And if I only could, I'd make a deal with God, And I'd get him to swap our places, Be running up that road, Be running up that hill, Be running up that building. Say, If I only could, oh...



................

ooh I here I go, don't let me go, hold me down, its comin' for me.
Help me darlin' help me please, take my shoes off and throw them in the lake and I'll be two steps in the water...

Oh Baby Rambles...

I had my glucose test done yesterday.
I felt like royal shite all day, I was very weak and very moody.
Joy to all!
The stuff was disgusting. Point blank. Disgusting.
I pray I passed. I passed with Cyler and I didn't have to do any weird "don't eat this, that or this" back in 2004 so we'll see what happens. It was really hard considering I've turned my life around a great deal diet wise since being pregnant with Cyler and now fruits are a large part of my diet (esp.breakfast) since I don't eat processed foods or fake sugars.

My regular OB is on her honeymoon. Poor girl got married in March and is just now getting to take her honeymoon!

Anyways this new guy was alright. Nothing invasive, typical measuring of the uterus and asking of questions. Then he said it, any bleeding or contractions, fluid leaking? My reply:
Ah, no, YES, and no.
Truth is I've been having contractions for a month.
But they are very hmmm, short?
They weren't very intense, until this week.
And, they're beginning to happen a little more and more each day,
along with a lot of pressure from the baby's head.

The Dr says it's totally normal since I've had a baby recently (apparently in Dr land recently is 2005) the bones in your pelvis do not reshape, I mean to a degree they do, but everything is much more lax, including your muscles, cervix and uterus.
Which explains already feeling all that great pressure beginning to push down on me.
My two week appointments have officially started.
ALREADY!
I'm not ready for that, I am not ready for this.
I have these little milestone goals now:
Like, making it to 30 weeks, and then 32 weeks, and then 34 weeks.
The Dr told me if I go into labor anytime after 36 weeks (Nov 11th) there not going to try to stop it, but try not to worry about delivering early because right now all of my numbers are great.

Numbers?
that's right, he said numbers.
My numbers are great so don't go worrying.
Which fine, I'll buy that, I am not a Dr, you are.
But numbers??
Screw that Motherly intuition in the pit of my stomach that says:
This baby is going to come early.
I'm just working on keeping him in there long enough, lung maturity would be nice you know...

well, alrighty then...

Scouring the Google News Headlines I unexpectedly come across this:

Nina Hartley's Guide to Pregnant Sex
Her latest movie offers a sex-positive approach to that oft-neglected subject
By Tristan Taormino
"I flew to Minneapolis last month to celebrate the fifth anniversary of feminist-women-owned sex shop the Smitten Kitten (smittenkittenonline.com). Co-founder and owner Jennifer, with her partner Davis, just had a baby, who was then two and half weeks old. Usually they're up to their eyeballs in dildo harnesses and butt plugs, but this trip, these two sex activists were all about cloth diapers and breast-feeding."

the entire article is here: http://www.villagevoice.com/2008-09-10/columns/nina-hartley-and-pregnant-sex/1

ah, nuff said...

Dear Little Baby,

Finding a name for you is proving to be most difficult, almost as difficult as naming your big Brother. One thing I do know is you're little face is adorable and I can't wait to meet the rest of you in 4 months. Do you have any names you like? Maybe you could send some telepathic message to me? Maybe you could send me a kick if you hear something you like? I dunno, just throwing things out there that may help us out.

I mean, don't get me wrong, there are names (okay, two names) I love that your dad doesn't, and then your Daddy has names that, well... He's trying, its very sweet, but I am not going to name you Remy, or, Nathan, or Brandon, or Israel.

Ah, I'm rambling, get used to it, my rambles will be your lullabies.

Love, your Mum (desperately seeking baby name)

"here I am"