dirty little secrets...

It's almost one am.
My lower ribs are killing me because they are spreading and spreading ribs, well, hurt. I've been feeling so shitty lately. Tired. Headaches. and bad nausea. Ooh yeah, it's been great fun.
It's all beginning to leave me a bit worried.
I daydream about this little guy being here. I just want to hold him close, smell him, touch his velvety soft head but I am beginning to worry about how well I am going to manage it all with Fibromyalgia.
My OB has warned it me it usually hits with a vengeance after you give birth.
My regular MD who managed my fibro warned its not a good idea to strictly breastfeed if you have bad fibro.
(I was going to pump for the first six weeks but then I decided I'll just go with it as long as I can. I breastfed Cyler without pumping or bottles for 20 months! Then it totally hit me, I need to go back on my meds ASAP after the baby is born which is why I was only going to pump for 6 weeks.
How could I forget that?)
Fibromyalgia has changed my life in ways most cannot imagine.
Somedays I feel like someone has left me in dryer that's ran all night long.
Other days it feels like someone has beat me head to toe with a stick.
And on the really "great" days it feels like someone took a baseball bat straight to my lower back, knees, and arms.
It's left massive black holes in my memory.
I have the hardest time focusing and studying.
I'm leaving a lot out but I'm pretty sure you get the idea if you're taking the time to read this.
Bottom line: It's hard. It sucks. and as a Mother, it can be heartbreaking. I have no idea how I am going to manage the newborn stage.
I guess only time will tell.

now, feeling totally overwhelmed and vulnerable, with my guard down, it happens.
My dirty little secret.
Kate Bush. Running up that hill.
Song gets stuck in my head for I kid you not about a month -straight.
I've been free for about two, maybe three weeks.
BAM!
It's back!
A month I will walk around singing this song being a total effin Kate Bush 80's nerd and in some moments re-enacting the video.
Why?
Because I can. Because I live in the middle of nowhere (Pop 8,000, 1 walmart, no starbucks small town) and apparently that's how I entertain myself.
Welcome to my secret world...
..............................
And if I only could, I'd make a deal with God, And I'd get him to swap our places, Be running up that road, Be running up that hill, Be running up that building. Say, If I only could, oh...



................

ooh I here I go, don't let me go, hold me down, its comin' for me.
Help me darlin' help me please, take my shoes off and throw them in the lake and I'll be two steps in the water...